why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
