I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
