This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The uberlube is also flammable
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
