I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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