just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
