Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
