my soul wont recognize me after tonight
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Please don't give away my fajitas
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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