We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
