My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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