If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
