I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
the raccoons are back...
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