so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
