i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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