just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
