In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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