theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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