no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
