Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
