Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
