I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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