so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
