No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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