I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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