I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
