fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
