I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
