I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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