Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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