we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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