I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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