I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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