She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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