OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
