Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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