Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
