I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
