I just pynch a tree in the face
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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