So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
