the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
