My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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