i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
