Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
