I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
