her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I am spending my child support on dildos
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
