Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
