Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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