Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
