I just made out with a guy for $7.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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