You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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