The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
